Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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