You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
