WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
