Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
