so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
