I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
