I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
