Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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