Need sex. Gaining weight.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
