i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
