It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
