i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
