nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
sarcasm needs its own font
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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