I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
