I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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