I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
