either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
