I need help removing her.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
