I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
