Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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