a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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