Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
