My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
