Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
your room smells of hookers.
And success
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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