Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
