so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
