I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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