Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
