Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
