her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
