college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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