I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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