i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
