mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
