The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
