I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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