I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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