I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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