Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
