"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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