i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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