I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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