He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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