i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
