I wish I only lived at night.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
