this beer tastes like vomit already
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
