I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
