I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
