You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
