I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Sorry about my life...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
