It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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