I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
