who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
